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This Week's Attitude June 7, 2007
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This Week's Attitude
L.A. County Lockup Is Now Hilton For Paris
By Neil S. Friedman

On Monday, hotel heiress Paris Hilton checked herself in a day early for her court-ordered 45-day county jail term - she is only expected to serve 23 days - for violating the terms of her probation on a drunk driving plea after driving under the influence with a suspended license last fall.

She will serve her sentence in the 2,200-bed Century Regional Detention Facility, southwest of Los Angeles, but will spend her brief confinement in a "special needs" unit usually reserved for police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile inmates. Not exactly hard time, but incarceration, nevertheless, for someone accustomed to coming and going just about anywhere she chooses.

There'll be no room service. No soft beds. No gourmet meals. No fancy soaps or shampoos. No late night gallivanting or club hopping like she did the weekend before her sentence began. The moneyed 26-year-old will have to endure like every other prisoner.

Friends said last week the pampered princess was "emotionally distraught and traumatized" by the ordeal. Nonetheless, she's got no one to blame but her pleasure-seeking self.

Will it change the spoiled socialite's lifestyle of excess? Perhaps, but not likely. While wearing the distinctive, but unfashionable orange, jailhouse jumpsuit, maybe prisoner No. 981873 will promise herself not to drink and drive again because next time she'll be penalized more severely, since it'd be her third DUI arrest.

Hilton even appealed to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Rumor had it he merely replied, "I vill get bok to you," which he never did, so the appeal was dropped.

After hearing the bad news for her daughter, Kathy Hilton promptly claimed the sentence was unfair and thought the judge was biased since most people convicted of DUI rarely get jail time. Mother Hilton later tried to put a positive spin on the outcome, noting that maybe her daughter's punishment will be a lesson for people "who look up to people like Paris."

The only thing people who look up to people like Paris should learn from this is that perhaps they should no longer look up to people like Paris - or Lindsay or Britney! (FYI, 20-year-old Lohan checked into rehab after she crashed her Mercedes-Benz into a curb and was arrested for DUI Memorial Day weekend.)

Hopefully, responsible parents admonish their young daughters not to visualize the terrible trio as role models.

It was reported the high school dropout, who later earned a GED, plans on writing a prison diary. Hilton has prior publishing experience with a 2004 autobiography - essentially written by a reputable co-author - that was universally panned despite a brief stint as a New York Times bestseller. No doubt her prison diary will repeat that mind-boggling feat.

Hilton's people never contacted me to ghost pen her diary from the pen. Nevertheless, here's a sampling of what her diary might be like.

DAY ONE: This is scary. This isn't gonna be any fun. I'm used to suites in my family's hotels. This 12'x 8'cell is smaller than my shoe closet. At least I don't have to share it!

I can't stand the outfit. It's not stylish, it's baggy - orange is definitely not my color - and doesn't show off my slim figure. Maybe I'll design a line of prison chic.

I was surprised they took away my phone. I'm in a cell, so I should be allowed to have a cell phone! Get it?

DAY TWO: Jeez, they woke me at 6 a.m.! I haven't been up this early since I partied all night with Lindsay a few months ago!

Breakfast was horrible! If all the meals are this bad, when I get out I'll be so thin people will think I'm anorexic, like Nicole.

After supper, the woman in the next cell asked me if I wanted a joint. I told her, "No thanks." Then she kinda looked me up and down.

DAY THREE: I gotta stop drinking when I get out. And I can't drive because my license will still be suspended. But, I could hire someone to drive me around and still get drunk. Hmmm, sounds like a plan.

DAY FOUR: Oh, gosh, I just remembered, no hair dying for three weeks - my dark roots are gonna start showing before I get outta here.

DAY SIX: I didn't like the way some of the girls looked at me in the shower. I've never been naked in front of so many women. Guys, yes, but not women. I wonder if they're, ya know, lesbos. One of them looks a little like Rosie O'Donnell.

DAY NINE: I miss my dog.

DAY TEN: Uh oh…somebody snapped my picture. When I offered to buy it, she told me if I said a word to anyone, she'd rearrange my face!

DAY THIRTEEN: I miss my Chihuahua so much.

DAY TWENTY: I'm so bored. Haven't made any friends. Only three more days.

When she gets out of jail, the paparazzi and the celebrity-news hungry public will certainly still keep up with Hilton's coming and goings, while the underlying problem is ignored. You don't have to be an authority to see the woman needs guidance and supervision, not to mention a purpose in life, or she will end up drunk behind the wheel in an accident that kills an innocent victim for which her family will be forced to pay millions to relatives. Then, they'll say they should have done something sooner.

Sooner is here. When she gets out, straighten her out! Get her help, but not in some celebrity rehab center. Let her know if she doesn't change her self-indulgent ways, she's out of the will!

Here's someone who primarily attained celebrity status simply by being an heiress to a hotel fortune. She has done nothing to merit such attention. This former child model essentially rose to fame when a homemade sex tape of her and her boyfriend was downloaded onto the Internet four years ago.

Unfortunately, the media frenzy will continue - as long as they have Paris.

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