View From The Middle
Where Were You When I Made All Those Predictions?
By Charles Rogers

Well, now...what did I tell you? Did I hit the mid-term election predictions right on the nose, or what?

Some people are saying I didn't predict anything correctly, but, well...judge for yourself.

I don't want to beat my own drum too much, but didn't I say the House of Representatives would be overrun with Democrats by midnight on Election Day?

And didn't I say the race for the senate would be as "easy as pie" for the Dems, although they'd have a smidgeon of a tough time in Tennessee?

Frankly, my predictions were easy; I didn't need a crystal ball to reach those conclusions. It wasn't hard to deduce what would happen to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, either. Didn't I tell you he'd be booted out the door because of the way he handled Iraq?

Or weren't you listening to me...or reading this column properly?

I'll bet you don't even remember me telling you how much fun this political science business is. You really have to hark back to those many times when I referred to the counting of ballots in the 2004 election and how those hanging chads made such a mess they should be torn off and thrown away!

Ah, but you must have been distracted with all the hoopla about political advertising this year when I mentioned how conservative it's become; how the politicians had been sticking to the issues and not lambasting each other with sometimes vile accusations; how they wouldn't dare accuse their opponent of any wrongdoing in the past, although I must admit I didn't see any candidate going into a church.

I did mention that to you, didn't I?

And at no time did I refer to how elected officials - and those who hoped to be - would not adhere to the Golden Rule, treating his or her opponent with fondness and respect.

I'm sorry you didn't get the subtlety of my intentions when I appeared to joke about the Speaker of the House position being given to Nancy Pelosi when I said she was a Barbra Streisand liberal. Maybe you just didn't get it.

Oh, and about the money the Republicans threw into the races at the last moment? We can't just dismiss that gesture. After all, the money was a result of "gifts" from legitimate sources, like Joseph Abramoff other lobbyists eager to donate their resources to good causes and for the good of the country. The money was, essentially, from contributions, and if they didn't spend it to try to help candidates in the last few days of the contests, I suppose they'd just have to spend it on sumptuous dinners, cocktail parties or trips to exotic places.

After all, they are professionals in the politicking business and they know where the money must go in order to be effective. But I'm sure I told you that.

Oh, and another thing: I'm sure you remember how I said it would be so proper for President Bush to get out there on the campaign trail and help the unfortunates who might be having a tough time convincing members of even their own families to vote for them. True, there were a few Republicans who gracefully (well, semi-gracefully) begged off before he got to their districts. "Thanks, but no thanks" was the byword, I think.

Anyway, as I modestly take congratulations from those around me - and I'm really trying to be modest about it - I'll go one further and predict we'll be out of Iraq - completely - by the year 2025.

Win or lose, you can bet your life on it.

Editor's note: The members of the staff of the Canarsie Courier wish the schizophrenic writer of the above well during his recuperation. Not only is he suffering from a series of psychological sarcasm complexes, but physical symptoms of severe pain in his arm from patting himself on the back- plus a critical case of tongue in cheek disease and a stomach ailment from eating too much crow.