2005-08-11 / View From the Middle

Soon, I’ll Be Able To Buy And Sell You All!

View From The Middle
By Charles Rogers


Although I don’t feel I should be currently considered among the working poor, I soon will be rich. Plain and simply: RICH. With lots of moneymoneymoney just exuding from every pore, nook, cranny and, uh, pocket. I say this with the full knowledge that it probably sounds pretentious and boastful, at least, and prophetic at best.

But, if certain letters I recently received in my personal e-mail are to be believed (and you can be assured that I’m not naïve or gullible), then it won’t be long before I can buy and sell you all!

Within the past day’s mail, I have been fortunate to have four — count ’em, FOUR — pieces of correspondence telling me I have a lot of money coming from various people overseas; Of course, I just have to comply with a few minor requests before I walk away with lotsa $$$.

Allow me to share my good fortune, if you don’t mind, by quoting a few lines from the letters, just so you don’t think I’m being played the fool (I mean, I wasn’t born yesterday , y’know!). I’ve changed the writer’s name to protect my own interests from some of you, who may be scammers, swindlers, and/or extortionists.

The first letter I received, obviously written by a man of learning, goes, paraphrased, like this:

“I am Barrister Sir Pascal Danube, a solicitor by law in Togo. On the 21st of April, 2001, my client and his family lost their lives in a car accident. Since that time I have made several unsuccessful inquiries to your embassy and can’t find any relatives, so I contacted you.”

The letter continues (still paraphrased):

“I want you to assist in recovering the money, valued at $12.5 million left behind by my client, before it gets confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Bank, where it was deposited. The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have it confiscated. I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin, since you share the same surname, so that the proceeds of the account can be paid to your account for both of us to share, 50 percent to me and 45 percent to you, with 5 percent for taxes and expenses.”

Is that cool or what??

All Sir Danube wants me to do is send him a few items of identification, like my Social Security and bank account numbers and such — and I’ll be rich!

Another letter attesting to my recent good fortune — BETTER fortune, for that matter — goes like this (once again, the names have been changed to protect, uh, ME!):

“My name is Dr. Frank Splishsplash, the first adopted son of President Robert Splishsplash, the current Mobawa president. I am contacting you for an urgent assistance to transfer into your account the sum of U.S. $25,000,000.00.” He said that he was given the money as a gift from his father when he was “on good terms” with him, but since then he has been exiled and needs someone to help him claim the money from a security house. “I will compensate you with 20% of the total sum and I will set aside another 5 percent for expenses,” he said.

Now all I have to do is contact him and “carry on the next step of the transaction,” he says. I suppose that means I should send him my Social Security and bank account numbers. I don’t think that will be too tedious a task — not for all that money!

Of course, all of this is a pittance compared to the third letter received the same day:

Mustapha Fez (don’t be ridiculous. That’s not his real name, silly!), a merchant in Dubai, wrote that he doesn’t really want my sympathy, but he is suffering from Esophageal cancer (he capitalized it) and he has only a few months to live. “Now that God has called me,” the poor guy says, “I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family…and I have decided to give alms to charity organizations. But the last of the money — about which no one knows — is a cash deposit of $18,000,000…and I want you to help me collect it, with 15 percent set aside for you and me.”

He adds that he’ll need some identification and account numbers, etc. I expect that and, if I’m not too busy counting all the money from the other charitable people, I’ll send them post-haste.

The final letter that was e-mailed to me said I’d won a lottery in The Netherlands and I’d been approved to pick up a lump sum of U.S. $500,000. All I have to do is contact officials and send them my Social Security and bank account numbers and they’ll send me the money.

Somehow, I don’t believe them. Something sounds a little bit fishy there...Ya’think?

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