I have been living with my fiancé for two years and dating for four. Last year we were engaged and purchased a new home. We were planning on getting married next year, however he’s changed his mind. He says it stems from a bridal show we attended a few months ago.
He says he isn’t sure he can give 100 percent to a relationship and wonders if he would rather be alone. Our relationship was strong prior to this. He was always doing sweet things and was very romantic and loving. We traveled a lot and spent a lot of time together. This all stopped a few months ago.
He says it’s not me, he’s just not sure where he wants to be in life. He cannot make a decision either way. Unfortunately it is extremely difficult for me to pretend there is nothing wrong. We get along for the most part, except when we talk about the future. We haven’t gone to counseling yet, but I am looking into it. Any suggestions?
Addie, you can dig a ditch, but what you can do to a ditch you cannot do to another person. Emotions are more complicated than dirt. They don’t lend themselves easily to manipulation and control.
In the past people wore amulets to bring good fortune and control the future. We think we are more sophisticated than that, but nothing really changes inside the human psyche. Today we hope to get from psychology and counseling what people in earlier times expected from amulets.
The truth is, what psychology is best at explaining are those things which can be clearly defined, like how we learn and how many items we can hold in short-term memory. But that sort of knowledge doesn’t help us in relationships. The question you have, how to get my fiancé to marry me, is one psychology cannot answer.
The best that counseling can do is lead out from an individual what is there to be led out. Your goal is to make your fiancé into your husband, but his goal is to pursue a life outside your relationship. Counseling may help, but it may not lead to marriage.
There is one thing we can tell you for sure. If you’ve been sharing expenses, you need a good lawyer to explain your legal rights.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com