2002-04-18 / Arts & Entertainment

C’est La Vie by Don Flood

C’est La Vie by Don Flood

© 2002 King Features Synd., Inc,

With Career Guidance,

Your Child Will Support You

You’re a good parent.

You want your kids to grow up happy and healthy and, most importantly, be able to support you in your retirement.

To prepare kids for this wonderful future of supporting us, we try to get them to Decide on a Career.

Parents usually handle this the tried-and-true way, by asking 25,000 times a day — more on the weekends — what do you want to be when you grow up?

This is an unbelievably irritating question.

I know. I’m 44 and people are still asking me!

Get off my back already!

I’m going up to my room and listen to music! (SLAM!)

OK, I’m back, but please don’t bug me about my career! I’ll decide when I’m ready.

But some parents think they’re helping kids by steering them toward something like: "computers."

The problem is, computers keep getting smarter. We won’t need experts to get them to work.

We’ll say to our computer/butler, "Make me a pastrami sandwich."

Of course, they’ll say, "Hey, what do I look like, your Mom? Make it yourself!"

So if you really want to be "ahead of the curve" with a computer career, start thinking about opening a Computer Obedience School. That’s where we’ll need help.

But for your child, you want a career that has stood the test of time, a career that will continue using the same skills they can learn today, a career that will still be here 50 years from now!

You want your kid to become: A Rock Star.

Training to become a rock star used to be hit or miss.

You’d hang around bars, date supermodels, maybe learn to lip-synch or play an instrument.

But now in Philadelphia there is a Paul Green School of Rock Music.

The goal? Teach kids to become rock stars.

I think it’s a great idea, if only I can interest my 12-year-old son.

And no, I’m not one of those pathetic Stage Dads who can’t wait to see his son’s name up in lights.

If the best he can do is land a deal like Mariah Carey’s — where the record company paid her $28 million NOT to sing — that would be fine!

My interest in a rock star career was piqued by my son’s desire to see The Who in concert.

The Who, for those lacking even the basics of American history, was part of British Invasion, an attack that led directly to the American War for Independence. (This gives you an idea how old these guys are.)

They’re still playing! Or appearing onstage anyway. Maybe they stand there and drool.

But the point is, they’re still getting paid to sing lyrics like, "I hope I’ve properly monitored by retirement investments!"

(The original lyric — "I hope to die before I get old" — had a little more kick but was modified for obvious reasons, since the original band members are now well over 150 years old.)

So if you love your children, make them study to become rock stars. Someday they’ll thank you.

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