2001-10-18 / Arts & Entertainment

C’est La Vie by Don Flood

C’est La Vie by Don Flood

© 2001 King Features Synd., Inc,

To Boldly Go

It’s back to the future: Another "Star Trek" is saddled up and ready to ride.

The original series, which first aired during the Grant administration, lasted just three seasons but became the basis for what astronomers now estimate are 45 billion TV shows and movies.

And because of the expanding universe, there is no end in sight.

As in the original series, the First Officer is a Vulcan.

Only this time they made her a babe.

But, man, is she frosty.

Which begs the question, will Capt. Jonathan Archer be up to the job of melting this Ice Queen?

If it were Capt. Kirk, you’d know.

Kirk was the biggest babe magnet in the galaxy and was constantly on the lookout for fresh conquests.

That’s why Kirk was always so eager to "boldly go where no man had gone before."

He figured this gave him an even better shot with the alien hotties.

Of course, they could turn the new First Officer into another Spock.

Supposedly, Spock showed no emotion either, but in reality half the shows revolved around him blubbering about one thing or another.

There was the Spock-is-attacked-by-spores episode and the Spock-goes-on-a-crying-jag episode.

It was like the guy never heard the expression: "Keep a stiff upper lip, pal." I mean, he cried at Tribble weddings.

But the worst emotional bender was when Spock invited the Captain and McCoy to his own wedding.

At first it sounded like a nice break from saving solar systems, but then Kirk got there and found not only was there no sit-down dinner, but that he was expected to provide the entertainment — a battle to the death with the groom!

(Note to non-"Star Trek" viewers: Vulcans are big on logic but light on the social graces. Instead of "tossing the garter" they prefer butchering members of the wedding party. Which makes me wonder: Should we really be spending this much money to go into space?)

And this was after Kirk had arranged for Spock’s bachelor party, with that alien dancing girl everybody liked.

But what I never understood was why Spock, when he sent out the invitations, didn’t just say at the bottom, "As we begin our new life together, we ask that our guests refrain from dancing and instead join the groom in a battle to the death."

Problem solved!

This is the same advice that Martha Stewart offers in her chapter on alien customs entitled "Ten Tips for Making Your Wedding Day Death Battle a Smashing Success."

Kirk would have received the invitation, seen that it included a battle to the death but no open bar, and sent his regrets.

Instead, Spock makes what I consider a serious breach of manners; he attempts to murder his best man.

Now, I don’t know if the new First Officer is going to be as much trouble as Spock.

But I’d feel better if Capt. Kirk were around just in case.

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