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ANDY ROONEY
©2004 Tribune Media Services, Inc. Crab Grassroots Campaigning Bragging is not an attractive thing to do so I’m reluctant to tell you this, but I can’t resist because I’m bursting with pride. I’ve just received a personal letter from the Republican Senate majority leader, Bill Frist, telling me that I’ve been assigned to be "REPRESENTATIVE OF ALL REPUBLICANS" (his caps) living in my voting district. If you wonder what the Republican Party is doing with $130 million in campaign funds, let me tell you about some of this letter. On my letter, the "Friend" in "Dear Friend" was crossed out and "Andy" written in by hand over it. This indicates to me that Bill and I are very close. Under that, it says, "Your imme-diate attention is required." Not re-quested, desired or wanted but "re-quired." When this comes out, it’s going to be some surprise to my friends and neighbors or anyone else in my voting district. My friend Quinton is going to be especially surprised. He thinks George W. Bush is too liberal and con-siders me as practically a communist. I don’t think any of the people I know in our little town would have expected that I’d be accorded the honor of being appointed a leader of the Republican Party there. My first duty, the letter says, is to fill out a survey Sen. Frist sent me. "Your answers," he says, "will represent the views and opinions of ALL Republicans living in your voting district." This survey, the letter says, is an "OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN PARTY DOCUMENT...REGISTERED IN YOUR NAME ONLY and MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR upon completion of this project." I am unclear about who has to account for it. The first question on the survey asks, "Should we raise taxes as some liberal Democrats have suggested?" Next, it says, "I MUST find out — as soon as possible — where loyal grassroots Republicans like you stand on the most vital issues facing our nation today. So please take a few minutes NOW to complete your official Repub-lican Majority Leader’s Survey... And when you do, please include your most generous financial contribution...of $500, $250, $100, $50, or even just $25 today." I have never said publicly whether I’m a Republican or a Democrat be-cause I’m sometimes one, sometimes the other, but I would have to confess that "liberal" is not a dirty word to me. I hope Bill Frist isn’t depending on me for $25 to pay for any part of this letter he sent because, Republican or Democrat, it’s one of the dumbest pieces of campaign literature I have ever seen. If I had been going to vote Republi-can, this letter is enough to have made me change my mind. Did Sen. Frist write this letter? I don’t think so. Did he read it before it was sent out over his signature? He’s smarter than that or he never would have completed medical school. How about these sentences: "Our Republican leadership are counting on your input." Who is you counting on, Senator?" "That is why I must have your im-mediate involvement today." Would immediate involvement day after tomorrow be soon enough? "...we are counting on each and every one to provide their input." "Their"? With "one"? How about "his or her"? "Your answers...will help me build a strong foundation of grassroots support." "Your answers will be used to build grassroots support..." "We must continue to build from the grassroots up..." "...help build a foundation of grassroots support." "Our success was fought for — and won — by the heroic efforts of dedicated grassroots Republicans like you." With grassroots Republicans like me, they wouldn’t have to mow the lawn very often. Whoever in the Republican Party campaign office who put out this semi-literate letter ought to pay for the stamps itself.
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