Advice For Family, Friends, Employers of Returning Soldiers

By Chaplain (MAJ) J. Kelly Barnett, D.Min., LMFT

Recent U.S. military actions in Afghanistan and Iraq mean that large numbers of military personnel will be returning home after extended separations from their families, friends and regular jobs. The military has long recognized that those returning from deployments can face a variety of problems and provides special briefings to minimize such issues.

However, all too often families, friends and employers of those returning from an extended period of active duty are unaware of how difficult that return can sometimes be, or of what they can do to make it easier. The following hints can help:

Recognize that the reunion is a process, not just an event. Both the returning solider and family and friends may have unrealistic homecoming expectations. While the first few days may be filled with joy, parties and praise, all that can change to frustration, anger and conflict when things turn out to be less than expected. It takes time to adjust to the reality of being home again, both for the returning solider and his or her family and friends. One way to help make it smoother is for all those involved to clearly communicate their expectations and dreams with one another, early in the reunion process.

Don’t pretend that nothing has changed. Most families and workplaces made significant adjustments during the soldier’s absence. Similar adjustments will be necessary for the soldier’s return. For example, spouses at home may have learned to become more independent and to manage well without the soldier. Take time to discuss and adjust to these changes. Also, be careful with information you have waited to tell the soldier. Avoid dropping bombs on one another. They can be hurtful and create conflict.

Make room for unexpected feelings. Spouses may feel a sense of resentment toward the soldier for "abandoning" them. Spouses may also feel as much a hero as the soldier for keeping the home fires burning in the soldier’s absence. Express appreciation for one another for the sacrifices both have made.

Take time to modify unhealthy military habits. Living with several soldiers in a tent for several months is indeed a life-changing experience. It can take time to return to acceptable language and manners. Without family to care for, the soldier has spent months caring for him or herself and may seem a bit self-centered. Soldiers returning from a combat environment may experience mood swings, going from the thrill of telling a story to moments of fear and quiet reflection. Sleep habits may be affected. Give the soldier time to readjust to being home with family and friends again. Seek counseling if needed.

Give children extra time. Children will deal with the change differently depending on their age. Babies may cry when held. Pre-schoolers may be timid or act frightened. Older children may seek more attention. Teenagers may act distant and indifferent. The key to adjustment is to expect some change, to go slowly and not to force the relationship. Clear communication about parental issues throughout the deployment and at the time of reunion will help keep the soldier actively participating in the child’s life.

Don’t try to make up for lost time and missed experiences. Aim for quality time and experiences with family and friends, rather than trying to cram in too many outings, parties and gifts. Don’t give in to the temptation to spend extra money celebrating. Sticking to your budget will avoid adding money conflicts to the other problems of the returning solider. Be aware that there may be feelings of irritation and impatience, by both those returning and the family and friends who have been waiting, as the readjustment to being home takes place.

Accept that returning civilian-soldiers face special issues. Returning Reservists and National Guardsmen may be worried about returning to work. Employers and co-workers took up the slack during their deployment and may feel some resentment toward the soldier for the extra work it caused. Employers should consider an interview with the soldier to review changes in the workplace including roles, responsibilities and salary. The civilian-soldier may expect to pick up where he or she left off, which simply may not be possible. Open communications with honest answers to the returning solider’s questions can make the return easier.

While the return home for military personnel is and should be a joyful and exciting period, it can also be a tiring and even frustrating one. The best advice is to go slowly. Allow for rest from the rigors of travel. Don’t try to reunite with every friend and family member in the first day or two.

Most importantly, accept that things have changed for all involved. Strive for open communications and expect that some conflict is natural. How you handle the conflict will determine the success, or failure, of this transition period.

Kelly Barnett is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He is currently serving in Operation Enduring Freedom as Chaplain (MAJ) with the 527th Engineer Battalion in Afghanistan.

This column is provided as a public service by the American Counseling Association Foundation.