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C’est La Vie by Don Flood © 2001 King Features Synd., Inc, Privacy Concerns By now, of course, you have read all 45,000 "privacy" notices that you received in the mail. (I received notices from companies I never heard of. That really got me wondering: What did they know about me?) But after receiving so many mailings from so many companies promising to respect our privacy, I think we can all be confident of one thing: WE HAVE NO PRIVACY! Not that the mailings don’t sound reassuring. They all say things like, "We restrict access to your personal information to only those employees who need to know that information in order to conduct business, and to pizza-delivery personnel that we know and trust. With our safeguards and procedures, you may be assured that only authorized employees know about those disgusting movies you rented at that motel on Nov. 13, 1998." Let’s face it, everything you purchased by credit card is stored in a computer somewhere and so is easily accessible to your average 6-year-old hacker. This is probably OK, unless you make the mistake of becoming famous and therefore the subject of a future biography, in which case there will be no end to the muck they can dredge up about you. The following — an exclusive of this column! — is an excerpt from a Biography of the Future: "On June 22, 2001, Joe Todesloth made a trip to the drugstore, a pattern that would repeat itself in the coming weeks and months. "In addition to filling a prescription for cough syrup, Todesloth purchased a bewildering array of toiletries: tissues, hair gel, a comb — and a package of high-powered breath mints and some toothpaste. "And not just any toothpaste, but Smile Bright, a brand noted for its super-whitening formula and its legendary appeal to decaying rock stars, Hollywood wannabes and others likely to commit adultery. "So why did Todesloth feel this sudden need to freshen his breath and brighten his smile? Was there someone new in his life? "Is it possible he was involved in a high-risk game of hanky-panky that threatened to destroy not only him, but his family, his career and, indeed, everything he stood for? "We may never know the answer to that question, but we do know that on June 28 — exactly six days after the earlier incident — Smith again entered that drugstore and made a series of purchases that to this day have not been fully explained. "Todesloth, spending as though he had acquired some new and mysterious source of funds, proceeded to clear out the store, buying everything from shampoo, to glue, to stationery, to light bulbs — even cat food! "And yes, one more item — the very same brand of Beverly Hills-style breath mints that he had purchased just one week before. "Had he used all those breath mints himself, or had he been sharing them with his unknown lover? "Whatever lay behind the purchases, Todesloth carried those secrets to his grave. For as long as he lived, Todesloth offered no explanation for his excessive breath-mint requirements that week of June 22, 2001. "Nor did he explain his peculiar purchases at the hardware store ..." Just think, what will they write about you?
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