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C’est La Vie by Don Flood © 2001 King Features Synd., Inc, Big Bang a Big Dud? Bad news for Big Bang fans: Scientists say the theory may be a dud. A new theory says that our universe actually began as the result of a collision with — can you guess? — John Goodman! Sorry, wrong theory — our physical universe, say scientists, actually began as the result of a collision with (BEGIN ITAL)another universe!(END ITAL) Really! I don’t make this stuff up, at least not all of it. According to the CNN.com story, the theory "explains many observations of the universe better than the Big Bang." It does, for instance, explain that episode of "Star Trek" where they went to a parallel universe and the other Spock had a beard. Unfortunately, scientists still haven’t satisfactorily explained why Spock would have a beard in one universe and not the other. Also their uniforms were slightly different, an indication that what is considered fashionable in one universe may be considered tacky in another. But just think, while you’re sitting there reading your paper, there may be another (BEGIN ITAL)bearded(END ITAL) version of you in a parallel universe doing the exact same thing! This is rather unsettling, especially if you’re a 12-year-old girl. But many questions remain. Where is this "rogue" universe? Did somebody get a license plate number after this collision? What happens if four universes all pull up to an intersection at the same time? I mean, for all we know, our universe may be heading down the cosmic freeway along with a bunch of other universes, and we could have a massive pile-up — even bigger than the one over Thanksgiving weekend. For this reason, safety experts now recommend that people wear a seatbelt at all times. Don’t make the mistake some people make and think, "Oh, I’m just watching TV on the sofa. I don’t need to wear a seatbelt." WRONG! In the event of a universe collision, say physicists, you won’t have time to hide underneath the cushions. Experts also recommend: •Wearing a helmet, especially one that has been tested under laboratory "universe collision" conditions. Whenever practical, wear a spacesuit. •Keeping travelers checks on hand, in case you suddenly find yourself launched into another universe. Also, financial advisers warn that you may have trouble accessing your checking and savings accounts in other universes, perhaps for several days. •Getting universal collision insurance. Insurance professionals say that many homeowners are woefully under-insured when it comes to damage caused by universe collisions. Some have none at all. Call your insurance professional today; they’ll be happy to write you a policy! •And here’s The Big One. If you find yourself in a parallel universe, it’s entirely possible that you may meet up with your (BEGIN ITAL)exact(END ITAL) twin, who will look just like you except he or she will have a beard. DO NOT shake your twin’s hand, as the resulting matter/anti-matter explosion — it’s too complicated to explain here, just trust me — would cause the destruction of both universes, in addition to any other universes that may be in the local area. At least that’s what I learned on "Star Trek."
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